


Bleeding Starlight

by idiosyncraticWordsmith (literaryAspirant)



Series: The Dreaming Lovers [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/M, Friendship, Hurt/Comfort, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-20
Updated: 2015-02-20
Packaged: 2018-03-13 21:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3397328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/literaryAspirant/pseuds/idiosyncraticWordsmith
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Across the hollow emptiness of the Furthest Ring, a visiting dreamer to the land of the dreaming dead allowed her tears to fall and her sobs to ring across the void, unheard. Until a fellow dreamer appears, and attempts to comfort her in her time of darkness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bleeding Starlight

Bleeding Starlight

_By the Idiosyncratic Wordsmith_

" _Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that." - Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr._

Across the hollow emptiness of the Furthest Ring, a visiting dreamer to the land of the dreaming dead allowed her tears to fall and her sobs to ring across the void, unheard.

For a full year now, she had come here in her sleep, the only place where she could find any company during her long, lonely voyage. She had the consorts, she supposed, but they weren't very good for conversation. Without John and Davesprite, she felt crushingly alone, and every time she thought about them, even the fondest memory would turn to guilt and shame and self-hatred. She spent most of her time on board the ship crying to herself, tucked away where none of the consorts could bother her with their nakking or thipping. She allowed herself to spend her days like this, curled up into a ball of misery, unleashing her almost unending depression in a tirade of tears and a flood of miserable sobbing, completely consumed by her guilt and grief. Was it healthy? Probably not. But she didn't care, it made her feel better, immersed in her own sadness until she was so numb she couldn't even tell if she was sad anymore. And many times, after she was done crying because her tear ducts were exhausted, she would be so tired that she would simply doze off and dream.

And from there, it would only make itself worse. Because, while the dream bubbles had plenty of company to go around, they were mostly populated by the dead and doomed. The empty white eyes and stories of how they came to be so blank did very little to improve her mood. The various doomed versions of John were the worst, not so much giving her a substitute for her brother as much as reminding her that he is somewhere, here, among the dead, likely beyond her reach forever. Oh, there were plenty of Johns to go around, and lots of friends to talk to, but while she could hold a conversation at times, they only compounded her sense of loneliness and misery. Because she always remembered that, while she might have this conversation now, once she woke up, she would still be just as alone as when she fell asleep. And so every time she cried herself asleep, she would only end up waking up wanting to cry even more, if she didn't cry while dreaming.

Such was the cycle of agony she endured on a constant basis, always hoping for a way to break the neverending pattern of pain, and never finding any such salvation. She had considered various acts of self-destruction at times, but realized they would ultimately prove futile. Suicide was neither heroic nor just - merciful, perhaps, but that's the catch about god tier, it seemed: it didn't matter if being killed would be a merciful end to a pitiful existence. Apparently, there was no justice in it. So she carried on, filling her time between episodes with biological needs such as eating, occasionally trying to dull the always-present pain with mind-numbing or distracting acts such as doodling or playing with the consorts or travelling around the Lands. There were plenty of movies to watch, but they reminded her of John too much. LOWAS was gone, and she could never go to LOHAC. LOLAR was better, but even being without Rose hurt her, albeit a bit less. So she travelled LOFAF mostly, trying to visit the parts of her world she never got a chance to see. But no matter what she filled her time with, the looming specter of her failure and the deaths of her friends was always reaching at her, the shadowy tendrils of her self-hatred always brushing against her heart, waiting and ready to snatch it at any time and drag her into the hellish agony of loss and pain all over again.

It was just such a moment of pain which brought her to the void now, today, the anniversary of the death of her friends. One whole year had passed, and no peace had been brought to her. The fact that she had two more years of this… it shattered her internally. She didn't know if she would be able to handle it, but at the same time she knew she had no choice. She had already cried herself to sleep in the waking world after tucking herself away in some forsaken dark bowel of the ship, and now she was curled up, sitting on her rear, her knees brought up to her face, as the tears drizzled like raindrops from her eyes onto her lower body, her sobs filling the surrounding area. She was glad she had appeared in a relatively vacant region of the bubbles - little more than somebody's memory of a vast, empty desert at night. She didn't want anybody bothering her, bringing painful memories and even more misery to her. She only had to stay until she woke up again or she woke herself up. After that, maybe the next day would be just starting and she could carry on with the rest of the next two years of suffering.

However, a voice calling out from the emptiness shattered those plans.

"Who the flaming fuck is that over there?" A coarse, roughhewn, somewhat nasally voice asked. Jade instinctively looked up and around, and saw the source - a single troll, with a black long-sleeved shirt sporting a familiar grey sign, an arm lifted, a hand held over his eyes to assist in squinting towards her, despite the low-light conditions, as he walked her way.  _Great_ , she thought, her sobbing continuing,  _a doomed asshole come to make me feel even worse_. As the troll approached, he suddenly paused when he was perhaps fifteen feet away or so. His face sprung open in shock, and Jade's own eyes widened a bit - or would've, were they not held tight by her sobbing - when she saw that his eyes were yellow and red - not blank. This Karkat was alive.

"...Jade?" He asked. She could not respond, however, because her sobbing was still too strong for her to make cohesive words through. He walked closer, a bit more cautious. In his own mind, he was panicking. This was the Alpha Jade, it seemed like. Normal human eyes with the jade irises, god tier, barkbeast ears… if this  _wasn't_  the real Jade, he'd powder his horns and snort them. He didn't understand why she was crying so harshly though - she couldn't even speak, she was so upset. Just seeing her already caused his heart to skip a beat, but it seemed like it was going on hiatus until he figured out what had made her so miserable. Though they had never met in person before, he knew that those jade eyes should be sparkling like stars, not tinted red like his own putrid swill blood. As he approached her slowly, he tried not to do anything that would make her more upset. He hoped whatever instinct he had as a Knight of Blood would kick in at some point, because he had no idea what to do. Finally, though, once he was close enough to have a conversation with, Jade managed to regain enough control over her sobbing to speak.

"What… what are you… d-doing here?" She asked. She wanted to know why here, of all places, in this godforsaken midnight desert, he had to show up. Their conversations had been fun before, she remembered, after he stopped being so mean to her. She always enjoyed making him angry and mad. His rage was so exaggerated, she always giggled at it. But right now she didn't want to giggle and she didn't want to talk. So the sooner she could send him away, the happier she would be. Or… the more miserable, anyway. She could be more miserable in more peace the sooner she could send him away.

"What the fuck am I doing here? I fell the fuck asleep, and I…" Karkat began, but began reconsidering his orneriness when he took a better look at her. Here she was, midnight black hair all a mess and cascading down her back, jade eyes blurred and pink from misery, and he was already off to being an asshole. Maybe, for once, he could get his shit together and be a decent fucking person. He tried again, attempting to appease her harsh stare.

"I fell asleep, and I ended up here. I saw you and came over to see what you were doing here and why you were all curled up like a terrified grub." He explained. He hoped that was a better way of handling it.

"It's none of your damn business, OK?" She retorted, her tears exhausting themselves already. Or at least, for now. Karkat had no right to be asking about this, at all. He didn't have a right to talk to her today, or any day, for that matter. He was just a giant asshole who deserved to get all the mean stuff he said to people served right back to him. And if he decided to pick a bone with her today, of all days, then even if his eyes weren't blank, they would be shortly.

"Jade, you're crying up a goddamn rain storm. If you were a robot I would've thought you had a liquid leak in your eye things or something."  _Robot? Liquid leak? Eye things?_ He thought to himself. _Jesus, Vantas, smooth as fucking grub flesh._

"What?" She asked. She had no idea where the hell he got that from, nor did she care, nor did she want the conversation to go on much longer.

"OK, that was fucking stupid. Listen, my point is, you're upset, and that makes it my business." Karkat replied.  _Yes, that was much better,_  he thought.  _Keep saying stuff like that. And watch your damn blushing. She doesn't need to see grey and red mixing on your damn cheeks._

"What the hell makes you think that makes it your business?" She shot back. On some level, she was touched by what she supposed was meant to be an attempt at emotional connection, but Karkat wasn't one for being a good friend. She didn't know what kind of game he was playing, but wanted him to stop playing it so she could get back to mourning.

"What the hell makes me think that makes it my business? What the hell are you being so damn snippy at me for?" He replied. Not the best approach, he considered, but he was  _trying_  here. Why the hell was she being so confrontational and combative about this?

"I'm being  _snippy_  because I would very much prefer to be alone right now, and you're bothering me with a stupid, pointless conversation that I don't want to have! Now will you please leave me alone so that I can just… be by myself?" She pleaded. Something about the way she said it told Karkat that, perhaps, he maybe actually  _should_  walk away and leave her alone.

Instead, he plopped down next to her, made himself nice and comfortable, and looked her square in the eye.

"No. I'm not going fucking anywhere until you tell me what's wrong. And you're gonna have to fucking deal with that." He declared. He had no idea how wise it was of him to have done that - and was already internally berating himself for it - but if he had learned anything, it was to remain committed. So, since he was already seated and set, he wasn't about to let this go lightly. Jade scowled at him, her eyes turning to daggers and piercing right through him, her rage causing the air around her to all but bristle with the sheer heat of her anger. A bit too late, he recalled that she was practically fucking omnipotent and could probably fry him awake.

"I. Don't. Want. To talk about it." She established. How  _dare_  he try to do this to her. Who the fuck did he think he was to think he could just interrogate her and make her feel this way? Who in paradox space gave him the goddamn  _right_? Because it sure as hell wasn't  _her_.

"Too fucking bad. I do." He reiterated. Once more, he could only hope this assertive course of action would eventually pay off. She growled at him, deep and menacingly.

" _Fuck. Off. Karkat."_  She annunciated, leaning in fiercely. He could see the anger burning in those beautiful jade eyes, mixed with more pain and misery than he wanted to see. To him, he painfully realized, it was like looking in a mirror. He leaned in as well, annunciating his own words crisply, almost like Kanaya would.

"Make Me."

A heartbeat. Then  _SMACK_. A bit of tumbling. And a blunt pain on his cheek.

"DID YOU JUST FUCKING SLAP ME YOU FLAMING BITCH?" He exclaimed, holding a hand up to his reddening cheek. Internally, he was even more hurt. Was he making the same mistakes he made with Terezi? Was he giving mixed signals and making her hate him? He didn't want her to  _hate_  him, spades was the  _opposite_  of what he wanted to cultivate between them. Was he fucking this up that badly?

"Yeah. What the hell are you gonna do about it, asshole?" She called back. She was  _mad_. She didn't mean to hit him - at least that hard - or, really, at all, if she was being honest with herself - but she was just in such…  _turmoil_. She was already wracked in pain over the deaths that had haunted her for a year, and Karkat was just making it so much worse by talking to her and distracting her, and… and… all she wanted to do was to just make him…  _shut up_. Karkat, on the other hand, wanted the  _opposite_ of that: he wanted her to talk to him, to open up to him, to let him know how he can help. So, suppressing his desire to get some payback, he tried a new approach and sat back down next to her.

"I'm going to ask you a question, that's what I'm gonna do about it." He declared. He was still trying to shake off the instinctive desire to try killing her or hate-snogging her. He didn't think humans differentiated between hate-snogs and heart-snogs. It wouldn't go over well, he figured. Nor did he want any snogging between them to be hate-related. Heart-related, he could permit. Shoving the images of acceptable versions of snogging out of his mind, he kept himself focused on the matter at hand.

"And what if I don't answer?" She snapped back. The emotional storm inside of her was only growing even more overbearingly intense, and she could feel new tears - tears of frustration, of anger, mixed with the usual guilt and misery - preparing to fall.

"If you don't, I'll just keep asking until you fucking do, and we both waste our fucking time." He explained.

"And if I make you wake up?" She retorted. He was caught - he had no solid answer to that, but he knew he had to be smooth about it.

"...You won't." He declared.  _WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING SHIT YOU STUPIDASS FUCKHEAD WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO CLEVER BECAUSE THAT SHIT IS EASILY THE PRECISE FUCKING OPPOSITE OF CLEVER YOU ARE LITERALLY DOING THE OPPOSITE OF EVERYTHING YOU'RE TRYING TO ACHIEVE YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST FUCKING TRY TO MAKE HER HATE YOU AT THIS POINT BECAUSE MAYBE THEN YOU'LL GET HER TO FEEL THE SAME WAY YOU FEEL AND MAYBE ACTIVELY TRY TO FUCK THIS ALL UP EVEN MORE SO THAT YOU MIGHT ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING RIGHT FOR A CHANGE AND -_

"OK… fine." She replied. She didn't know why he sounded so sure of himself, but when she considered blasting him awake, she suddenly realized that she and Karkat were still friends, and this was  _her_  Karkat - real, Alpha Karkat. She should at least have  _some_  kind of patience for him. Even if he was an asshole.

"Oh… well, good. So...  _why_  don't you want to talk about it?" He asked. He had no idea she would actually go for this. What was going through her head, he wondered? If  _that_  piece of shit managed to sail, was he actually doing better than he thought? Humans were so goddamn weird, he recalled, that it was impossible to get an accurate reading off of them. Maybe he actually did stand a chance… or maybe he was just deluding himself.

Jade was shaken by the question. Not at first - she thought that the answer was obvious at first.  _Because I don't want to talk about the fact that my brother and friend are dead because of me and I just want to be miserable about it_. But then she thought about it for a split second, and realized how silly that sounded. She didn't want to talk about it because she didn't want to feel bad, but she wanted to  _think_  about it all the time and leave herself feeling horrible and crying all the time. She was keeping it all bottled up inside and letting all these shadows of grief control her, and yet here she was, with a friend who seemed to actually care for her, a friend she could trust, who wanted to help, and she had just slapped him for trying to be there for her. Was she an idiot? Probably. She brushed her rogue hair back from her eyes and behind her ears, and kept one hand on a cheek, leaning her head into her hand.

"I'm just… really, really… sad, Karkat. And I'm angry and I'm upset and I'm miserable and I'm alone, and…" She rambled. Now that she was making the attempt to open up, the tears threatened her again.  _Don't even try to talk_ , they said,  _we will silence you if you do_. But she  _wanted_  to talk now. She wanted to let out all the pain and sadness that had plagued her for a year and have a real friend there to help her. She didn't want to be drowned in the darkness anymore. She wanted to feel  _happy_  again. Karkat seemed worried, concerned, and unyieldingly focused. She was talking about it, he knew. She was telling him things. This was his big chance. This was it. If he fucked this up, though… he couldn't bear to think of the consequences of failure, so he didn't allow himself to.

"Jade, I don't know what's wrong, but you aren't alone right now, OK?" Karkat said. "I'm here for you, and I know I'm not exactly your first choice for a friend, but for fuck's sake,  _talk_  to me." He said. A short pause. "...Please?" He pleaded. Was it a good idea to go straight to pleading? He felt like commands or prying wouldn't be wise right now. But pleading? Didn't that make him seem weak and pathetic?  _Oh well_ , he thought,  _might as well give an honest version of myself for once._

"I… Karkat…" Jade whimpered lightly. The tears were striking her. She was fighting the urge to crumple into a fetal position as her eyes welled up with fluid, her hand moving to hide the wetness and wipe the tears before they fell. She had to get it all out before she was crushed by the oncoming emotional onslaught. The intensity of Karkat's eyes, trained on her with focus and concern, led her on like a light through fog, as she attempted to release all the pain in words.

"A year ago… today… John and Davesprite… they…" She tried. Her throat was betraying her. She couldn't find a word she was willing to use. Karkat tried to help her.

"What, Jade? What happened? Please, Jade… I want to help." He said. That just set off the waterworks. What did he say that was so bad? What went wrong? His mind was critiquing his every word and her every reaction, desperate to find the answers he needed, and failing to do so at every step, simply concluding that everything he had said was stupid.

" _Nobody_  can help, Karkat… I just… you… they…" She sobbed, losing control of herself. A year of self-loathing, loneliness, hatred, anger, loss, grief, fear, and misery seemed to crash down on her as she crashed her face into her hands, sobbing uncontrollably. Karkat wasn't sure what to do, so he just scooted himself over to her and tentatively put his hand on the shoulder near him, letting her collect herself.

"I can try to help, Jade…" He offered.

"K-Kar-Karkat, they… they're… d-...-d-... oh G-G-god…  _th-they're d-d… dead_ …" She blubbered out. It was the only way she could finally let the words escape her. One whole year, and she had never permitted herself to say it. But she  _had_  to say it,  _had_  to talk about it, she  _had_  to take this opportunity while she had Karkat with her. For all his faults, he was still a friend, and much as she might've tried to forget it, he was a  _good_  friend. He cared about her, even though he was always such a jerk, and she valued that. She didn't trust the other trolls aside from Kanaya very much, she couldn't look at Dave, and Rose wasn't here. Right now, he was technically her best friend. And, maybe, on some level, she might even consider that she possibly sort of kind of has some manner of…

"...What happened?" Karkat asked. He had no idea what the fuck he was hearing - John was dead? How? Was this really Alpha Jade? Of course, it had to be - normal eyes, everything, he could tell that this was his Jade. No doomed Jade would behave like she has during this conversation. But how could John be dead? What had happened? He didn't want to risk upsetting her, so he tried to keep himself as composed as possible - but his voice shook a tiny bit, and he didn't know if she heard it or not. He feared the worst, though in reality she couldn't tell how shaken he was.

"I d-don't know… they w-were o-on L-L-LOW-WAS a-and i-it just…  _exploded_ …" She explained. Reliving the memory again was hell. Once more, she couldn't even speak because of how deeply in pain she was. It was like all her depression and grief was grabbing at her soul and ripping it from her body, trying to drag it into hell.  _Not like hell would be any worse,_ she thought. Then she remembered that Karkat was next to her, his hand on her shoulder.  _Well… maybe it would be a little bit worse_.

"Jade, I'm…"  _Fuck_ , Karkat thought.  _How do I respond to this, of all things? Come on, you fucking shit, you're a Knight of Blood, you're supposed to be able to be good at this, do a bloody thing or something!_

"... I… think you're incredible."  _WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN TO HER YOU FUCKING MORONIC PIECE OF SHIT SHE'S MOURNING HER DEAD FRIENDS AND YOU SOUND LIKE YOU'RE TRYING TO COME ON TO HER JESUS FUCKING CHRIST YOU DON'T DESERVE TO FUCKING LIVE YOU FLAMING PILE OF -_

"...W-w-what? W-why?" Jade was critically confused. Here she sat, having just said that the only two friends she had with her were dead because of her, and Karkat was saying that she was "incredible"? Was this a troll thing? She had no idea what to make of this, but in spite of herself, she blushed a bit. It  _was_  a compliment, anyway. And compliments were always nice, she supposed…

"Uh… well… you… I, uh… I don't really have a lot of… well, I do… I definitely have a lot of experience with death and people dying. But trolls are used to that. We kill or see trolls get killed and it's just a normal part of our fucked up lives. But… I mean… when you accidentally killed Dave, and we talked, I…" He stopped. She was already destroyed over two deaths, why the fuck did he just bring up another memory of death? But it just came up in his memory as the closest, most intimate conversation they had. Bec Noir had caused her to fill Dave up with heated lead, and she was having a fucking episode. It was the only time they had a real heart-to-heart conversation, and he guessed that he was hoping that bringing up the memory would make her remember that moment between them.

Jade didn't seem phased by it, though. She had been at peace with those events for a while now. Maybe the new deaths - the more permanent ones - erased her misery from that time. But she remembered the talk she had with Karkat, how much he seemed to care, how he was there for her when no one else could be… just like now. And how he helped her and comforted her and made her feel better, made her feel like things would be OK somehow… just like… now, maybe? She didn't know… but she knew that he had a track record of being as good to her as much as of being a jerk to her. Maybe even more one than the other.

"You… you understood… or at least, you tried to… you helped me…" She continued for him. He was relieved. It was working, for once. He was doing something right. Maybe.

"Yeah. And I remember when that happened, how horrible you felt, and now something even worse has happened, and I can't even imagine how you feel, and yet, here you are, still going on, not letting it weigh you down." Karkat explained. He really did think it was incredible. Even as a troll, he blamed himself everyday for the deaths of his own friends. Nepeta, Equius, Feferi, Tavros, even Vriska and Eridan. They haunted him, but he was a troll - he was raised not to care. She had a third as many deaths stamped onto her heart, and she was the most caring, loving, compassionate person he had ever known - he couldn't fathom her pain. But she was still here. Still around. Still trying. And that was incredible to him.

"Karkat, it's… it's not like I have a  _choice…_  I'm god tier…" Jade protested. Much as she may or may not have liked the idea of Karkat thinking highly of her, she didn't want him to be doting on a lie.

"There's  _always_  a choice, Jade. Or at least the fucking illusion of one… you know what I mean. You could just give up and put the stoppers on your little ship and give up and let yourself waste away in the void forever. But you're not, are you? You're still going. You're still coming." Karkat replied. The way he worded it made his own heart flutter a bit, in a foolish way. For her to still be coming to the new session means that they're going to meet, in the flesh and blood and in person. No chat clients, no dream bubbles, just him and her, face to face. Sometimes, the thought of it reminds him that he hasn't fucked  _everything_  up for himself. Reminds him that, well… that there's still a chance.

"Karkat, I… I just… I grew up on an island all by myself, but I at least had Grandpa and Bec and my friends online… I mean, I guess… I never really ever  _was_  all by myself, but now… all I have are turtles and salamanders and iguanas and alligators, and I don't know if they really even count as company, and… and… I have never, ever,  _ever_ felt so… so…" She stuttered. Alone? Cut off? What word could actually cover her emotions right now?

"Abandoned?" Karkat tossed out there. He didn't really know if that was the word for it, but he  _did_  read a lot of novels where situations like this panned out. The comforting figure in all of those stories always provided a means by which to feel no longer abandoned when their matesprit interest felt like their companions or quadrantmates had left them. Maybe this idea wouldn't pan out too bad, either. Or maybe it would crash and burn and he would regret ever opening his shit-filled mouth.

"...Y-yeah." Abandoned seemed to be the perfect word. It seemed like everybody had left her - she knew it wasn't on purpose, but at the core of it… that's how it felt. She was left alone and to herself, for the first time completely and utterly cut off from all sources of genuine affection. She had Jaspersprite, but cats don't count. Especially since it didn't seem like he was very capable of human empathy to any real degree.

 _This is it, shitstain_ , Karkat thought to himself,  _she's lonely, miserable, she's got a year of pent up grief, and she feels abandoned. If you're going to make a move at any point in your putrid excuse for an existence, now's the fucking time._

"Jade… I'm sorry." Was all he said. He didn't want to turn her grief into a chance at making advances. He was a shitty person and a worse lover, but he at least wouldn't have that kind of stain on his conscience.

"For… for what?" She asked. What would he have to apologize for? It's not like he killed John or Davesprite or chose to be on the meteor instead of with her.

"I'm sorry that the multiverse has, for some fucked up reason, dictated that you be abandoned the way you've been. I'm sorry your friends aren't there for you. I'm sorry that… I'm sorry  _I'm_  not there for you. I mean, I guess even though you probably hate my fucking guts, even having someone you hate around is better than having  _no one_  around, at least a troll would think so…" He explained. And every word of it was honest. He hated being powerless to be there for her. He hated the way that Skaia and the horrorterrors and whatever other higher powers there are out there seemed to make these decisions to send their lives to hell for vague, unknowable reasons. And he hated himself for having to add another example to his list of ways he's failed people he cares about. Even if Jade didn't care about him.

"Karkat… why do you think I hate you?" She asked. She knew she was aggressive and sarcastic to him a lot, but hatred was… too strong of a word. Frustrated and irritated by him frequently, yeah, but hate? No, she was fond towards Karkat. Affectionate, even. After he consoled her after the Dave incident, she felt like there was a lot more to the grumpy, ornery boy that sent her to wits end when she was younger, much more than she ever knew. And, on some level, she felt like she was finally getting to see that side. And, on the same level, and maybe a few others… it made her happy.

"Well, I mean, you  _did_  slap me, but beyond that, I'm just an easy guy to hate. I guess it would just surprise me more if you  _didn't_ hate me, so I assume you do. I mean, I was kind of a giant asshole for a long time, and-" Karkat mentally pulled up his list of shit he's done to be worthy of disdain and hatred, specifically checking those acts and events that specifically relate to Jade. It was a long list, as it was for everyone. But before he could even start checking it off, she interrupted him. She didn't have any intent of allowing him to go into some long-winded monologue about why she should hate him.

"Karkat, I  _don't_  hate you, and I actually am really sorry for slapping you, I just…" She sighed and put her head in one hand again, a throbbing headache descending on her. "I'm just… I don't know what to do with myself. I'm just so miserable and angry and I just can't stand it anymore and I have two more years of this and… and I don't know what to do…" She mumbled. Tears were streaking lightly down her cheeks. She wasn't sobbing, but she was in a calmer kind of sadness that made her despair without feeling agony. Or maybe she was just numb to the pain now. Karkat found himself once more at a point where he had to rely on whatever bullshit instinct he had to pull them both through. He slid his hand from her near shoulder to her far shoulder, wrapping his arm around the back of her neck in what he hoped would be a comforting display.

"Jade, I don't really know what to do either, OK? But I know that I need to do something right now, and letting you sit here crying alone isn't the answer. And I know that you can't let yourself be alone, either. Now, or any time you can help it. So if you  _don't_  hate me, you'll let me sit here and talk to you and make you feel better." He paused a moment before narrowing his eyes. "And that's a goddamn order you overly-violent bitch." He threw in. He hoped he learned enough of human humor for it to work. To his relief, she giggled lightly - it was a sound that made his heart flutter in time with it.

"Whatever you say, Mr. Big And Mighty Leader. And it's pronounced  _Witch_ , for your information." She joked back, leaning her head onto him in what she hoped was a platonic display of accepting his offer of comforting. Well, "hoped" may be the wrong word. More like "assumed". As in, "assumed to be interpreted as a platonic display when it in fact is a hint". Only if she's being honest, though. She and Karkat were friends and he was being friendly. And compassionate. And caring. And he was very warm and soft to lean against. And maybe kind of sort of in a certain kind of way he could be seen as having some kind of mild case of "being extremely attractive". Maybe. Kind of. Sort of. In a way. Mildly. Extremely.

Karkat merely rolled his eyes, but couldn't hide the meager smile on his face from her. She could feel the muscles pulling his mouth in a vaguely upward direction. It made her smile a bit, too. Her tears had stopped already, for some reason. Maybe he actually managed to at least bring her back to stable emotional ground. Wiping the residue of the tears from her face, she tried to keep herself focused on the now, rather than the grief and misery still lurking somewhere in her mind.

Slowly, Karkat realized that their environment had shifted. The dream bubbles had probably moved around a bit, or one of them had subconsciously called up a different memory. He looked around, and saw that they were on some kind of mountainside looking out across a tropical island, with thick jungle covering most of the sight of the ground leading out to the coast where it was nothing but water, which shimmered under the unusually intense starlight above. Though it had been a long time since he had seen it, he recognized that this was a memory of the island Jade had grown up on. She seemed to realize this shift in scenery as well, as her dog ears perked up suddenly, and out of her mouth came a soft, breathy "Oh…"

"This… this was your home, wasn't it?" Karkat asked. He had seen it before through the Trollian viewport, but this was effectively being there in the flesh, and the effect was much different. He was taken by the natural beauty of it all. Completely untouched by any civilization, save only the frog temple in the crater to their left. He didn't know if Alternia had anything like this ever, but somehow doubted it.

"Yeah… it was. Bec and I used to come to this spot in the middle of the night to see all the stars. Some of my happiest memories between me and him were made here…" She remarked. She felt like she was almost starting to blossom, seeing this sight again. All her depression seemed to recede away from her mind even more as the chillier breeze swept through her hair. She shivered a bit, but reacted by nuzzling into Karkat a bit more. For some reason, it seemed like he was a great source of warmth. Internally, Karkat felt his heartbeat pick up a bit as she scooted herself closer and tucked herself more into him, and felt himself warm up against the cold as his blush deepened. Thankfully, she couldn't see the grey-red tint of his cheeks.

"It's… incredible. I don't think I've ever seen anything so…" He paused, thinking of something. He  _had_  seen something like this before. Sort of. But should he say it? She didn't seem like she was emotionally vulnerable right now, but what did he know about human emotional vulnerability?

"So what?" Jade inquired. She wanted to know what her warm friend thought of her old home.

"So… pretty, and… well, beautiful. I've never seen anything so beautiful. Aside from… well, I guess… aside from…"  _Fuck, now I'm fucking committed to something. Just say it, Karkat, come on, it's not that big of a deal! Unless she's absolutely repulsed by it and wakes up from the sheer shock value of her disgust…_

"Aside from…?" She pried, desperately wanting to know what was beating out her beautiful home. Was Alternia even better? Was this just a mediocre 6th grade painting to him? Didn't Alternia have two moons? Wouldn't that be even more gorgeous? How silly of her, to think she could try impressing him with her stupid island and its stupid stars and-

"Aside from… well… uh… you.." He mumbled. Her eyes widened a bit, and she pulled herself out of his arm and away from his nice warm chest, surprised.  _What did he just say?_  She thought.  _What the fuck did I just say?_  He panicked.

"W-...what was that?" She asked, blushing. She could see his own grey skin turning red, too. He looked painfully cute looking so caught and embarrassed. She found her mind in a swirl of emotions again, but this time the emotions were confusion and affection. Meanwhile, Karkat's mind was in a swirl of its own - of profanity and self-criticism.

"Uh… I, uh…"  _FUCK JUST SAY IT AGAIN_  "Aside from you…"  _GOD FUCKING DAMMIT WHY DID YOU SAY THAT._

Jade felt herself blushing. Was that… a compliment? A  _flirtatious_  compliment? From  _Karkat Vantas_? Ornery, grumpy, irritable, self-hating Karkat Vantas? Did… did he… have… was he… does  _she_ … could they… would they… he… she…

"Oh… I…" She stammered. She didn't know how to respond. She didn't have any dating experience or any kind of understanding of how to approach flirtations. She guessed maybe thank him and offer some kind of compliment back? "T-thank you, Karkat. I think you're… very hot."  _Oh God what the hell did she just say that was exactly the thing NOT to say right now he just called you beautiful and you're going straight to hot Jesus Harley get it fucking together-_

"Uh… yeah, I guess I am unusually hot… I just, uh… I'm kind of… sorry, troll metabolism and heart rate increase when we're, uh… nervous… so… that's why. Does it make you uncomfortable?" He inquired. He didn't understand why body temperature was a factor here, but obviously it was somehow, because she seemed distraught when she said that. Was a higher body temperature undesirable to humans or something? Did his attempt at flirtation force her to be honest with him about her issues with his atypical warmth? Was this a deal breaker?

"Oh, um… no, that's not… no. No, I was just, um, pointing it out, because I, um, didn't want you to be catching a fever!" Jade explained.  _Nice save, Harley_ , she thought to herself.  _Not_.

"Oh, no, I'm perfectly healthy! My healthiness is absolutely unquestionable! No unhealthiness here! Ha ha! Ha." He responded. Would illness be a huge concern? Did humans cull the ill? He didn't think so, but it was still possible that being in a quadrant with somebody who was physically diseased carried a stigma in human society. Fuck, are interspecies relationships hard, or what? Jade giggled a bit - which made him more nervous. But Jade was simply amused by his assertions of health, as if he was afraid of passing the plague onto her. She scooted her way back over to him and returned to her previous position - the warmth of his body certainly helped her recover from the slight chill. After a beat or two, Karkat returned his arm to being around her shoulders.

"Well, I'm glad to hear that. But it doesn't matter either way… I like how warm you are." She said, smiling, nuzzling a bit more into him as she looked out across the island. He was much better than a blanket, she had to admit. But it wasn't just because he was warmer - he was softer, too, and all the anatomical curves of his body, the bones and organs, the way he breathed, the barely detectable feeling of his pulse, all made it feel so… personal, and… nice. She suspected this was why people enjoyed cuddling, even if she had no experience. Were they even cuddling? Karkat somewhat hesitantly pulled her a bit closer, blushing. He obviously had… feelings for her. Which meant he was just as nervous as she was, if not more so. She didn't know if Karkat had any… experience with romance, but she knew she surely didn't. They sat together in silence for a few seconds , each pondering how to approach the situation, what to say, what to do, before Jade decided to break the silence herself.

"Karkat… remember a while ago, just a few minutes before the Scratch, you messaged me on Pesterchum?" She asked. The memory had not been considered for a long time, but it seemed like now would finally be a good time to get to the bottom of it.

"I… yeah… I remember…" He admitted. He had sent those messages in desperation, not knowing if they would ever see each other. And now it seemed like his lack of faith had come back to haunt him. He knew he was cornered now - the truth would have to come out eventually, anyway. He just had to be courageous, now. He had to be a real Knight for once.

"What were you going to say, before I interrupted you? You said your future self never got around to 'expressing' something. What was it?" She asked. She turned her head and shifted herself so that she was looking up at him, and he was looking down at her. Karkat noticed that one of her arms, the arm closest to him, was on the ground being used to support her, and the other was laying across her lap. Summoning whatever bullshit courage he had, he reached his own free arm over, and held her free hand, looking down into her eyes, where the sparkling light of the thousand stars overhead danced. He had heard the human phrase "stunning beauty" before, but he learned the true meaning of it in that moment, looking into her jade eyes, now clear of their cruel red tint, seeing all of space and creation twinkling inside of them. He hesitated. Was he worthy? Could he allow himself to do this? Surely she deserved something better than him. Surely such an incredible person deserved somebody to take care of her. Surely she could do better.

But for right now… he was all she had. So, worthy or not, he had to at least try.

"Jade… I… when I first saw you, first spoke to you… I thought that you were one of the worst things to happen in my life." He quickly moved on when he saw her begin to look crushed. "I mean, I thought the same about all of you. I blamed you and all your friends and your entire species for all the bullshit that happened at the end of our session. I hated you all, and I wanted nothing more than to make you suffer. But when we started talking to you, we found out that… maybe you weren't the horrid abominable shitstains we thought you were. That  _I_  thought you were. And when you snapped at me during one of my shout-fest conversations with myself, I realized you were a lot… erm… I don't know… cooler than I thought? And from there I just started… developing… something. I started caring about you. A lot. When I saw you after what happened to Dave, I just… couldn't let you be alone. I couldn't let you suffer like that, I just… and… fuck…" He explained. In his own mind, all his self-hatred and loathing was barking at him like a hellbeast, telling him to shut up, that he was trash, shit, a flaming mound of refuse and piss. His heart felt like it was being strangled. Why was he doing this? He couldn't bring himself to keep going. What kind of fucking moron was he? He was reaching a new low here - thinking that Jade Harley, of all people, would care for him. He was just going to make her life even worse and that was all on him. With great struggle, he fought against the red tears which threatened to streak from his eyes, and turned his face away from her. He couldn't let her see him cry.  _She_  had reason to cry. He was… he was Karkat Vantas. And thought that was the worst possible thing, it didn't give him an excuse to shed tears.

"Karkat…" Jade whispered, lifting her hand out of his own and cupping his face, turning it back to her, seeing his eyes welled up with red tears. He was so… handsome. The angles of his face, his messy black hair that swept all over the place, his nubby little horns, the smoothness of his grey skin… she took him in, truly looked at him, and admired everything she saw. She smiled, slight tears collecting in her eyes. When he came, all she wanted was for him to leave. Now, she just wanted him to stay here and say what he wanted to say - so that she could say it back. How could she ever have been so foolish as to trying to force away Karkat Vantas? Karkat saw her tears and the smile on her face, and while the sight broke his heart, it still gave him the push he needed to come out and say it.

"Jade… I…" He started, before taking his own free hand and placing it on her cheek. On some level, he realized that he was leaning in towards her, not entirely able to resist the subconscious desire to do so. His heart was hammering, and he was trying to ignore all the voices telling him to walk away and forget the whole business. She closed her eyes, not sure what was coming, but certainly having hopes, her own heart thumping like a rabbit on the run, her blush severe, a single tear of hope and happiness streaking down her cheek like a shooting star glistening across the heavens. Just as their lips were mere centimeters apart, he finally finished his sentence, barely a whisper, more like a breath, a sigh.

"I love you, Jade Harley."

And in that same moment, upon the very next beat of two frantic hearts, the last bit of space between them was sealed, their hands upon each other's cheeks, their lips pressed together, the redness of their faces intensifying greatly, their hearts beating out a runaway tango together. Overhead, meteors rushed across the wide open night sky, first a single bold venturer, then a few more, until a full shower streaked over the heads of the two lovebirds. They kissed, and kissed, and kissed, and they shifted into a new embrace, with Karkat sliding his hand to the back of her head, brushing her wild hair behind her ears and holding the base of her skull, while both of Jade's arms went around his neck. All they cared about was this kiss and the roiling heat coming off of each other. Despite the cool breeze, neither even so much as shivered. Everything that had weighed them down suddenly evaporated, and there was no more misery, no more fear, no more self-hatred, no more confusion, and certainly no more loneliness. They had each other now, and that was far more than enough for either of them.

After nearly half a minute or so of kissing, they at last parted, with a sigh and breath from each of them, both very happy and quite breathless. They craned for a moment, Karkat sliding his hand back to cup her face once more, while they both opened their eyes and looked at each other again. They were both smiling, though Karkat did so in spite of himself, still trying to shake off the feeling that he's done something wrong. Jade giggled a bit. He felt stupid, like she was laughing at him.

"W-what? What's so funny?" He asked, fearful.

"Nothing, it's just… I thought you were a Knight of Blood…" She remarked, smiling playfully.

"I… well, yeah, I mean… yeah, I am…" He stuttered quietly. Was something wrong with his title? Where was she going with this?

"Funny… I could've thought you were a Thief of Breath, the way you take my breath away…" She joked. She giggled a bit more at her own joke, while Karkat sat dumbly for a second before smiling and chuckling back. He was loosening himself up. Whatever he thought about himself, for right now, it at least seemed like he wasn't doing so bad. But there was still something missing here. An unasked question begging an undelivered answer.

"So… do you…?" He started asking. She seemed confused.

"Do I… what?" She asked.

"You know… love me?" He clarified. He was already high enough on adrenaline to be more froward. She giggled some more, that melodious sound that made his heart almost burst with happiness.

"For such a competent troll, you really are thick." She remarked.

"You still aren't answering me." He observed, but while on some level he may actually have been fearful, his more conscious mind was being more playful now. She pulled herself back up closer to his face, and he slid the arm he had around her shoulders down to wrap around her waist, pulling her body closer into his own. He smiled, closing his eyes, allowing himself to be happy and listen to her own intimate whispering, her breath warm and close against his face.

"Of course I love you, Karkat Vantas." She declared quietly, kissing him again, feeling the hand formerly on her cheek slide downward and wrap around her midsection. Her own arms remained firmly wrapped around his neck. As their lips meshed together, she realized somewhere in the back of her mind that she was the happiest she had been in a year. Maybe even longer. Maybe ever. But she also remembered why she came here originally. John and Davesprite were still dead, and she still had another two years to go without them. Thinking this, she parted her lips a bit earlier than either party would've liked, causing Karkat to look at her with concern.

"What's wrong?" He asked. She sighed, not looking at him.

"I'm just remembering John and Davesprite and… everything. What's waiting for me after I wake up…" She lamented. But curiously, she didn't feel quite so miserable. The deaths of her friends still impacted her, but… for right now, at least, she didn't feel consumed by it. Karkat returned his hand to her cheek and turn her face to look at him.

"I can't bring the dead back to life, Jade… but I can help with the loneliness. Or at least try to." He offered. He wouldn't allow her to go off and be alone for two years, not after losing her friends, and especially not after tonight.

"How, Karkat? It's not like we can guarantee that we'll see each other again…" As far as she knew, you ended up in a different dream bubble every time you went to sleep. She and Karkat would probably go the rest of the two years without so much as hearing from each other. And that started to chink at the happiness in her heart - the promise of loneliness, with nothing but the hope of reunion. Karkat looked up at the sky overhead, where the meteor shower was just ending.

"Look around you, Jade. This memory… it can be  _our_  memory. This cliff face, this island, these stars… if we go to sleep every night… dreaming of this place… then maybe…" He suggested. He didn't know if it would work, but he had to at least try. Jade felt something stir inside of her - a kind of hope, she thought. The kind of hope that's defiant and spits fate and rules in the face. The kind of hope that would make her at least cling to the chance they could meet again… and frequently.

"Maybe. I guess… we won't know until tomorrow night." She stated. She figured neither of them would be tired enough to fall back asleep when they woke up. They'd have to wait and go through their daily routines before they could try to see each other again. If she could go to bed every night and meet him… but if she couldn't… her thoughts were interrupted, though, by a kiss on the forehead.

"Tomorrow night. I'll see you then." He said. He could tell he was going to be waking up soon. Time was weird in the bubbles, being in the Furthest Ring and all, but it felt like it was getting to be time for him to return to the waking world. He ignored the voices of doubt saying that they would never see each other again for another two years. He ignored the doubt so far, and it didn't seem to take much skin off his back. She smiled - she, too, could tell this would be farewell for the moment.

"Wouldn't miss it for the world." She replied simply. They mutually leaned in this time, their lips meeting at the halfway point, as they spent another dozen seconds or so kissing each other, all their pain set aside, all their fears allayed for the moment. They clung to each other they way they clung onto the hope that they desperately needed. Jade couldn't bear to be alone, and Karkat couldn't bear to fail her. When their lips parted, they offered sad smiles to each other.

"I love you, Jade Harley."

"I love you, too, Karkat Vantas."

With that, they kissed each other one last time, a quick kiss goodbye, before they each woke up, fading away, one after the other.

_The next night…_

Across the hollow emptiness of the Furthest Ring, a visitor to the land of the dreaming dead allowed her bated breath to hold itself still as she sat in the quietness, undisturbed.

Jade Harley looked out across the island view, the stars overhead, just as they were last night, patiently waiting for her only real company for the next two years to appear. She had been waiting a while, perhaps half an hour, but who knows how time flows in a void where neither space nor time exists. It was impossible to tell when - or if - he would show up. Perhaps the spiteful hope that filled her heart was in vain. Perhaps those passionate kisses and words of affection last night were single, isolated incidents.

Perhaps she really was all alone.

Sighing, she stood up, and considered leaving. It was a stupid idea to think this could work. Why would the horrorterrors ever allow something so good to happen? She silently considered wandering around the bubbles, but it was a short-lived idea. She didn't want anything to do with anybody anymore. Her only potential source of happiness for her entire voyage was somewhere out here in the void and she wasn't going to see him again for another two years. Her heart sinking back into darkness, she turned around, and immediately stopped when she saw who had appeared behind her.

"Sorry I'm so late… I guess I was too excited to see you to fall asleep." Karkat said, a smile on his face. His coy, simple facade didn't hide a single ounce of his ecstatic joy at seeing her again. She didn't even try to hide it, and ran over to him, embracing him as he wrapped his arms around her. She had run into him too hard, however, and they both were knocked onto the ground, Jade landing on top of Karkat. They laughed, too caught up in the fact that Karkat's stupidest idea ever actually  _worked_  to care about anything else. She cupped his face with both hands as he wrapped his arms around her waist before their lips were reunited, her midnight black hair cascading down around both of their heads, enshrouding their vision so that their entire universe - almost literally - was each other.

Her ground was his ash grey face, his eyes red like blood bleeding out from a wounded heart. His sky was her face, her jade eyes sparkling like galaxies, shining down on him with all their starlight. Together, their bleeding starlight shone out across the void, and burned away the shadows in their hearts, leaving them filled with light, with life, and with love.

And for the first time in a long time, and perhaps for the first time ever, Jade Harley and Karkat Vantas were, at least for that moment, completely, truly, and utterly happy.


End file.
